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Stop Talking

Stop Talking.  No one wants to hear you speak.  No one wants to hear the words that you are saying.  Your words mean nothing to the people around you.  It doesn't matter what you say or how you feel.  You mean nothing to no one.  You are worthless.  You are nothing.  You are nothing.  You are nothing.  You are nothing  Stop talking.  Stop talking.  You are shit.  You are not worth anything at all.  You are worth nothing and are nothing.  It would be better for you just to die.  You should be ashamed that you are even alive.  You are worthless to everyone around you.  You should just die.  Just die.  You are nothing at all and no one cares about you at all.  Just die.

Dead Eyes

She lived in a perfect world. She had a nice home, a wonderful family, and a great school. She had faith in everything and everyone around her. No one could do wrong. She always knew, in the back of her mind, that everything would be okay. Always.

So when her best friend brougt a gun over to her house and shot herself in the face, she had Faith. Even when the blood splattered around her and burned her eyes, she had Faith. When the body dropped and the crimson pooled along her crisp blue carpet, she still held that simple fact true. Everything would be okay.

The vacant face, or what was left of it, shined up at her like a becon. She stared back, her dull and lifeless. She never reached up to wipe away the blood and tissue that stained her; she never even noticed it. Everything would be okay, everything would be okay, everything...

A breath. Two breaths. Three...

"Everything will be okay. I have Faith."




The funeral was closed casket. No one wanted to see a corpse who most of their head was missing. The mother wept openly, the father clutching her shoulder in support, his own cheeks wet but eyes emotionless. They never came over to her, nor she them. They never spoke, never made eye contact. They knew, she knew they did. But her mother, her wonderful mother in her own perfect life, decided to raise the question of why.

"Becca. can I speak to you?"

"Yes Mother?"

She was sat down on the fluffy couch, her mother sitting on the table in front of her. She reached out a hand to clasp hers, but she jerked it away quickly. Becca didn't want her support, or her questions. Everything was okay. Everything was-

"What happened that day?"

Becca started, prepared but so not prepared to answer. How could she explain to her perfect mother, in their perfect life, about something so unperfect that it would rock the foundations of their very existance?

"Mother, I'm a lesbian."

"Um...what?"

"We were lovers, for about a year now. But don't worry Mom, everything will be okay."

"Becca, what are you saying?"

"It's okay Mother. I have Faith."





They found her body washed ashore about ten miles downstream. Her body was bloated and barely recognizable, but the birthmark on her shoulder gave her away. Her mother wept openly, her father clutching her shoulder in support, his cheeks wet but eyes emotionless. They called it an accidental drowning, but they both knew what it was. But in their perfect world, suicide was not an option.

Faith's parents came to visit them once, to deliver a note that had started with them and had to be passed on. The mother clutched it in her shaking fist, barely able to read her daughters light scrawl.



MOTHER AND FATHER,

I WANT TO START OUT BY SAYING I LOVE YOU. I PROMISE YOU THAT I NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU IN THIS WAY. BUT FOR US TO BE TOGETHER WE HAD TO GO TO A PLACE WHERE WE COULD TRUELY BE LOVED AND ACCEPTED. SOME WILL QUESTION WHETHER OR NOT WE GET TO GO THERE, BECAUSE IN A PLACE AS PERFECT AS HEAVEN, PEOPLE WHO COMMIT SUICIDE ARE NOT ALLOWED ENTRY. BUT I KNOW WE WILL BE OKAY.

YOU SEE, I HAVE FAITH. AND SHE HAS ME. AND WE WILL ALWAYS BE TOGETHER, FROM NOW ON.

YOUR NOT-SO-PERFECT DAUGHTER,

REBECCA



I wrote this for anyone who has felt confused or has felt that they wouldn't be accepted.  Kind of like what I'm feeling at the moment...

How the hell does this work...

I just don't understand it.  I don't.  How in the world does this work?  He broke my heart, shattered it, and he gets something wonderful in return.  I got a call from my ex husband who proceeds to tell me he is moving to South Korea to teach.  He and his lover Darrell, who he cheated on me with.  They made up.  How does he get something so wonderful happen to him after he did all of those things?  I don't understand it.  I just don't.

September 11, 2001

On this day, 9 years ago, I was sitting in my 10th grade English class. Every morning we would watch 15 minutes of news because our teacher wanted us to be "cultured and informed adults". But seeing as I was the tallest person in the classroom, I had to turn it on. So like I did every morning, I grabbed my chair, dragged it to the front and climbed up. I reached up, my head blocking the screen, and pushed the power button. Instead of the boring news I was used to seeing...I saw a plane crash into a tall building. I stood there, shocked, blocking everyone's view. My hands were trembling, my mouth was wide open, and tears started to gather in my eyes. I turned to Mrs. Roberts, my teacher, and whispered:

"A plane just crashed into a building in New York."

She didn't believe me at first, just stared at me. Then she screamed. I turned to the tv only to see a second one crash into the building next to the one that was already hit. My classmates started whispering, some crying, when they finally saw what we were watching. I just stood there, looking at the screen. I didn't know what to say, what to do. All I could do was watch. After a moment my teacher took my hand and got me off that chair. She sat me down and held my hand as everyone gathered close to watch the tv. No one spoke, no one moved. We just watched as another plane hit the Pentagon, and then one crashed in Pennsylvania. No classes were changed that day. We didn't go to lunch, just stayed in that classroom huddled together. People who never spoke to each other before held each other close when we saw those two towers fall. We had never experienced anything like that before...and I hope to never see it again.

At the end of the day my mom came and picked me up, her face red from crying. I ran to her and buried my face in her neck, finally crying like I had wanted to all day. She wrapped her arms around me and held me close, whispering words that I can't remember now, but soothed me then.

So many lives were lost that day, so many families broken apart. But so many heroes were created, and so many we need to remember. I will never forget where I was when I saw those towers fall, so many people lost and dying.

I will never forget.

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A Thought on a Janto

Okay...so I was watching Torchwood S1E8 "They Just Keep Killing Suzie" and I came upon a thought that just wont leave me alone. And it has just recently become a plot line for a very interesting fan fic...which I don't think I have the talent to right. Hum...oh well...to explain!

So...in the last part of the episode...which is the only part I really watch...other then the Rizzen-Mitten part (LOL!)...where Ianto propositions Jack with the Stop Watch (which will be capitalized because it is a very important item in a Janto Fan Girl's life). They set their watches when Ianto asks what he should put on the death certificate. Jack replies "Death by Torchwood" (which Ianto came up with before if I'm not mistaken? I might just be...) Ianto said he would put a lock on it just in case...

Now here comes my plot line:

"Oh, I wouldn't be too sure. That's the thing about gloves, sir; they come in pairs."

When Jack turns around at that statement Ianto has this look on his face, like he's up to something or just knows. He turns away, but here is my thought.

They had the first part of the set in Torchwood 3 right? Well...Ianto was an archivist for Torchwood 1, right? What is Torchwood 1 had the other glove? They might have had more security but Ianto could have snuck it out somehow, because come on, he hid a cyberwoman (whom I refuse to call Lisa) in the basement, for what? A year or two maybe? Anyway, Ianto could of had the glove and planted it where he needed it and just in time to use it on Owen to save his life. But...what if he knew? What if he was the original owner of this set, or maybe he could see the future? Or maybe...TIME LORD IANTO!!!

I know. Its seems rather far fetched. But I think it could be a nice plot line. I like to write fan fiction, but I don't think I'm good enough to write this. Maybe someone else could?

Oh well. Bye for now!

New Computer!

I just got my first new computer in ten years! I am so excited! I always got the hand me downs from my brothers and sisters and I finally got one of my own! Its a Dell with 3GB, 320 GB hard drive, a dvr, a web cam, and its blue! I'm pretty happy. Of course I am making payments...but no problem! I can deal with it!

IN LOVE

I am in total, absolute LOVE with David Tennant...aka The Tenth Doctor. That is all.

Life Right Now

Its kinda funny how things change in your life. I was thinking about that the other day at work and my friends just kinda laughed. I mean, one minute I'm "happily" married to the man that I always wanted and then the next I'm sitting in the office, laughing with my friends, the rings gone from my finger and a divorce that's almost finalized. Years ago, if I had imagined what my life would be like I would have never guessed this. And that's because I was a silly little twit who couldn't see what was right in front of her. I was so in love with him that I never noticed the signs. I guess it goes to show you that you have to grow up sometime.

And I have. I have a great roommate who is one of my best friends. I got a promotion at work and this summer I'm going to Atlantic City with my friends. My real friends that stood by me through all this drama.

I like who I've become now that I can finally be myself. Of course, I never thought I would be divorced by 24, but who's counting? I like me. Sure, I still leave my bedroom a mess and everyday I groan and want to call into work, but who doesn't?

I'm doing okay. I like that.

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HOLY CRAP!

Jared Padalecki is getting married to the woman that played Season 4 Ruby! HOLY CRAP! SAM AND RUBY ARE GETTING MARRIED!

And that's the end of my random insanity moment.

Goodnight, and remember to eat your pie.

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Life in General

Well, life right now is doing okay. I'm still working, I have friends that have stood by me, and my family is as wonderful as ever. I am in the process of getting a divorce, and I moved out of my apartment and I have one wonderful friend as a roommate. She's been keeping me sane in these...very insane...times.

So, here is the story so far. The last time I posted a ton of my friends had abandoned me because it was supposedly my fault that my husband, soon to be ex, became gay and cheated on me with his best friend. Well, he was trying to talk to the lawyer about how I committed adultery against him, instead of the other way around. So, I approached his boy toy. I told him straight out that I was not angry at him for what had happened. I was just confused and hurt, because he had also been my friend before this whole thing had happened. We talked for about an hour, and I mentioned the adultery thing. He was surprised. Apparently Chris hadn't mentioned anything to him about that. So Darrell became my witness instead, and Chris is getting slapped on the wrist. I am going to be getting quite a pretty penny from this divorce. Chris and Darrell broke up because of it, and Darrell is okay with that. He didn't know the full extent of what was happening. Chris is trying to stop the divorce from happening, saying he wants to get back together and he was confused. He wanted to be a family again. I told him that I wouldn't speak to him unless my lawyer was present. I haven't heard from him since.

So, that is my life right now. I'm good. I just hung out with my brother. We saw Avatar, and that movie was amazing! Absolutely amazing!

I'm good.

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